My Dirty Little Secret

I'm sure to much of your dismay, this entry is NOT about an extramarital affair, but in fact, about my current battle with depression.

I never really understood depression until the past few years. Despite trying my hardest to push away the sadness and loneliness and keep a smile on my face and song in my voice to fool others, it eventually took over, like it does anyone with this disorder. I pushed away some of those who cared deeply for me, while letting in some that wanted nothing but harm to befall me. I burned bridges with friends while finding refuge in places I shouldn't have.

People try to relate their depression to a specific cause. For me, I know what my depression stems from, but it is certainly not the sole cause. I watched my papa die slowly everyday over a two month period, very slowly and very painfully. It broke my heart every morning I woke up and realized he was still in the hospital. My heart broke more and more as I watched my mother giving care for her father, but knowing no matter how hard she tried, and how hard she prayed, the ultimate ending was death.

I spend a lot of time playing the "what if" game with myself regarding the days leading up to his initial hospitalization. I can tell you, as everyone in the world I'm sure could tell you, this is the most UNhealthy game you could ever play. I've had vivid dreams with my papa telling me secrets, telling me not to worry, sometimes reprimanding me for being said, and sometimes, in the best but eventually worst dreams, papa telling me he was really alive and just in hiding for a while. The worst feeling has to be when I jump awake and realize that he is not really back, nor will he ever be.

I've shut myself off from a lot of things I used to enjoy as well as stopped socializing with a lot of good people. I realize it is unhealthy but I don't know if I care enough to change it. I've had an even harder struggle with weight control and sometimes feel that my only solution would to become bulimic or anorexic.

I guess I feel as though writing about it will allow me to get my true feelings out and start to work on getting myself healthy and normal again. Only time will tell I guess.

Anything But Ordinary

As many of you loyal followers have noticed, I did not keep good on my word of keeping my blog updated. I would love to fill your eyes with excuses, but I won't because well, that's just lame!

I'm hoping to revamp my blog in order to personify me a little better as the person I am today. It feels like I have gone through so much and changed as a person over the past year or so, and I'd love to have my blog reflect that and a place to showcase my personality.

If I have learned/realized anything recently it would be that I am one amazing person. Now, before you go all "o God what an egotistical bitch," let me explain a bit. I have accomplished so much for myself in the 25 years that I have been alive. I have a home, I have a car, I have loving friends and family. What I have recently come to realize is that I have a very valuable set of skills in the work field.

My husband was transferred by the Marine Corps to New Orleans, uprooting me once again, throwing me into the spiraling downfall of a job search. To say I was sick to my stomach would be an understatement. I am happy in the position I am in currently. I had been in the legal field for a few years then, by the grace of God I suppose, I was given the opportunity to take the position I am in today. Originating as an admin position, focusing mainly on pay roll, and at this point, has lead up to a more Office Manager/HR position. I would have never given myself this much credit to be able to take on such a huge position, but I'm glad my company found faith in me when I did not.

The job search began on a Wednesday evening. I reached out to a single legal recruiter that I had heard great things about and by the next week I had a total of seven interviews scheduled. In addition to those interviews, I had scored one of my own, with a previous employer who I LOVED working for. Long story short, I went through with all of the interviews (the most nerve wracking experience I've ever had in my life), and have ultimately decided to return to my previous employer. Now, loyal followers/friends, don't panic. It is NOT the previous employer right before my current position. I would never put myself in that position again. (Reminder to self: maybe I SHOULD have filed a sexual harassment suit?! balls up lady!) Anyways, I'm very excited to be working for him again as he is one of the very few attorneys that I feel has his morals and ethics intact.

That being said, I have been in the midst of packing up my house and moving us, yet again, 500 miles to the Big Easy. I am full of a million emotions right now and wish I could express to you how I feel. I figured this is the best way.

Anyways, I will be leaving you with those thoughts for now. Also, I'll be randomly revamping my layout/styles in order to give myself a break from the chaos as well as to help my blogger reflect me. I'm also hoping to do more posts on fashion (which I'm absolutely obsessed with), cooking and most of all, weight loss! I hope I have kept most of you will me during the my lull and I'm hoping to make new followers as my blog progresses.

Until then, ciao!

Excited List

So I've recently decided to deactivate my facebook account. I feel like I need a break from everything. This was a quick and easy way to stay off of most of my friends' radar and avoid invites and talking while I take my "mental vacation." I know it sounds a little strange, but sometimes, you just need a break :) So far, it has only been about two days & I'm actually enjoying it. I feel like I am more productive at work and at home and I'm halfway through a book I've been wanting to read for quick a while. O! and how can I forget, time for blogging!

Anyways, I've noticed the past couple days that I feel the need to "post" things I'm excited about that are upcoming, but alas, where do I post without facebook? Well, my friends, you are the lucky ones, because I will randomly be posting my excited lists on here from time to time :)

I am excited about:

1. My sister's recent engagement. Despite not being the biggest fan of the guy, he makes her happy. That is all I ask, o yes & that he take care of her so I don't have to kill him :)

2. A change in scenery soon

3. Hubby's promotion. It has been over a week but it still has me bubbly

I am SUPER excited about:

1. Checking out these two new recipes I found this weekend. One is a breakfast pie and the other is a low-fat reduced sodium tortilla soup!! Way beyond excited about expanding my recipe collection.

2. This "marriage enrichment" deal that hubby & I are doing on Saturday. The military always offers things like this to couples to help with their relationship. Hubby & I's theory is, why not take advantage of it when it is offered so we never need REAL help when it is too late.

That is about it for now. Hope you enjoyed my ramble :)

It's Time To Talk About Your Health....

Long time no post! I'll spare you the apologies and excuses, and jump right into what I want to talk about.....health!

I recently found a SD memory card from a camera I had about two years ago. I grabbed it and made a mad dash to the laptop to see what "ancient" jewels it held. It popped up with 535 pictures, I clicked download, and within a matter of seconds I was skimming through photos I had completely forgotten I had taken. Then, I made it to the section I had subconsciously tried to forget. The 2008 Marine Corps Ball. The dress I had chosen, within 20 minutes in the store, was NOT flattering at all. It was not only the dress that brought me to pure horror, but my weight. I hadn't realized until that point how heavy I was. Not an "O my gosh Becky, I can't believe I ate that extra cracker at lunch, 20 minutes extra cardio for me tonight!" but the "how did my family and friends not have an intervention to stop me from destroying myself" heavy. As much as I wanted to close out of the program, I continued on, jumping from picture to picture, looking bigger and unhealthier in each as they progressed.

It was at that moment that I swore to myself to get back on track. Since that time I had dropped about thirty or so pounds. It wasn't just the weight that was my goal, but all over health. I gained muscle so that could account for a few extra pounds. I went off of the way clothes fit way looser and it felt great! I reached a plateau about a month or two ago. I stopped going to the gym like I should have and stopped eating healthy like I used to. I was disappointed in myself. A lot of people try to blame the holidays, but that was not the case. I had given up. Until I saw what I used to look like. Sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to remember what you are fighting for.

So, I have been making it a point to cook home cooked meals each night. It has been working so far.

Now, you will have to excuse the tilapia. I guess I didn't realize how easily it would fall apart after marinading it in a lemon/hot sauce mixture. Either way, grilled tilapia (my own recipe), baked asparagus (biggest loser cook book- this was the first recipe from there I didn't enjoy), and a mixed salad (just lettuce and spinach). All-in-all it was a pretty good dinner.

Anyways, I'm always looking for great new recipes, whether it be for a main course, side, snack, beverage, whatever. So if you ever have anything to share, lay it on me :)

I hope to keep you guys updated on the process. Hopefully I can be an inspiration for some of you that may be wanting to get on the healthy path too. Maybe some of you can be MY inspiration?

Trying to fit a watermelon into a pin hole....

Okay, before I let your minds wander off too much, it isn't what you think. I happen to be talking about my breasts. :)

I've been on a quest to find a cute but sexy [enough] halloween costume to wear this year. Since I have dropped my 30+ pounds I am noticing that the larger costumes are TOO large, but where the smaller ones fit great on my body, they lack fabric in the breast area. I figured as I lost weight I would lose boobs. I braced myself for it and was happier and happier as the days went by and the numbers on the scale kept getting smaller and my breasts did not. I didn't realize what a predicament it put me in until last night. I finally located the costume I had been drooling over for the past two years, and I swore I wouldn't wear it until I slimmed down. This was the year, I thought to myself. I walked over, grabbed the package and ran to the dressing room. It looks perfect down to the smallest detail. My ass looked great, my tummy nice and flat, all I have to do now is pull the top up and......

There I was, staring face to face with a top that had, what I like to call, allocated boob zone. For those of you who don't have the same imagination as me, let me explain. Some designers make tops with a certain area designated for the boobs. It is great for people with average size breasts or even smaller breasts, as it accentuates the area. In my case = my worst enemy. All these years of pining over this one costume, only to be shot down within one quick moment thanks to the unthoughtful costume designer not looking out for the big boobie girls of the world.

So my question to my readers out there is, have you had this problem before? If so, what did you do?

Back from the Dead

That is about the only way I can sum it up. My world turned into a madhouse after my last post and, unfortunately, this was the easiest/most logical thing to cut from my schedule. Things have seemed to calm down a little bit so I feel like maybe I should give this another try. Also, I feel a lot better after I blog.

Let's see, first thing is first. I have managed to drop thirty pounds since I've started my quest for dropping the pounds. It is still not everything I want to lose but I already feel amazing and am able to wear between small and medium clothes in juniors, so ...yea, excitement! Pic below :)

I have managed to cross a couple things off of my bucket list. I was actually able to attend TWO Yankees games this season. Now, I know they don't really count since I saw them while they were playing in Texas, but I am pretty content for now to semi-check it off of my list.

I finally feel comfortable here, like it is my home. I have met some pretty amazing people and have formed some long lasting friendships. Everything finally seems to be going right, everything back on track && I'm ready to rock out.

Anyways, I'm going to try to start blogging daily [hey, no snickers here, you know I do my best ;)].....okay maybe I should stick with weekly first and see where to go from there. You guys have a lot of catching up to do :)

Inspiration...

Inspiration comes in different ways, shapes and sizes. Today I got a bit of inspiration and renewed faith in myself. My mind turned to my blog. The one thing I have always had control over (not including the times I've used it to take a jab at someone I KNEW would be reading). It is always here for me to vent to, lash out at, share happiness with.

But lately, I've let it fall to the waste side. Well, let's be honest, I never build it up to the capacity I meant to. It has always been a work in progress since its existence. This blog was meant to be a place to not only log my thoughts and dreams but to keep track of important memories/stories/jokes that may fall from my memory after time. To share my taste in music, food and alcohol. But most importantly, my love of fashion. Whether it be cute clothes, great accessories, or fantastic/stylish new make ups, that is where my heart is and belongs.

So I'm holding myself accountable and completely responsible. This blog will be turned around and become what it was meant to be. I will continue to bring you my random stories, but hopefully with more random bits of happiness and newness in between.

I hope those of you who have been my faithful followers from the very beginning will continue to stay with me. :)