My Dirty Little Secret

I'm sure to much of your dismay, this entry is NOT about an extramarital affair, but in fact, about my current battle with depression.

I never really understood depression until the past few years. Despite trying my hardest to push away the sadness and loneliness and keep a smile on my face and song in my voice to fool others, it eventually took over, like it does anyone with this disorder. I pushed away some of those who cared deeply for me, while letting in some that wanted nothing but harm to befall me. I burned bridges with friends while finding refuge in places I shouldn't have.

People try to relate their depression to a specific cause. For me, I know what my depression stems from, but it is certainly not the sole cause. I watched my papa die slowly everyday over a two month period, very slowly and very painfully. It broke my heart every morning I woke up and realized he was still in the hospital. My heart broke more and more as I watched my mother giving care for her father, but knowing no matter how hard she tried, and how hard she prayed, the ultimate ending was death.

I spend a lot of time playing the "what if" game with myself regarding the days leading up to his initial hospitalization. I can tell you, as everyone in the world I'm sure could tell you, this is the most UNhealthy game you could ever play. I've had vivid dreams with my papa telling me secrets, telling me not to worry, sometimes reprimanding me for being said, and sometimes, in the best but eventually worst dreams, papa telling me he was really alive and just in hiding for a while. The worst feeling has to be when I jump awake and realize that he is not really back, nor will he ever be.

I've shut myself off from a lot of things I used to enjoy as well as stopped socializing with a lot of good people. I realize it is unhealthy but I don't know if I care enough to change it. I've had an even harder struggle with weight control and sometimes feel that my only solution would to become bulimic or anorexic.

I guess I feel as though writing about it will allow me to get my true feelings out and start to work on getting myself healthy and normal again. Only time will tell I guess.

An Endless Battle

I have always had weight issues...if it wasn't one extreme it was the other. I was a little chubby growing up and it seemed like the second I entered high school I had shot up in height and thinned out in width. One of my good friends at the time used to give me a hard time always asking if I had an eating disorder. It used to piss me off because I couldn't understand why she would even think that. Going into college I was still pretty thin, but over the years I added weight on slowly but surely. And now, as if by overnight, I realize how much I have put on by comparing pictures. I also realized that I did have an eating disorder in high school and just didn't realize it. I wouldn't eat unless I was hungry, which would leave me going without food sometimes for days. When I was hungry I would binge (never throwing up mind you!) then go another day or two or three without eating again simply because I wasn't hungry. Well, you may think it worked since I managed to stay skinny that whole time, but obviously not. I set myself up for a lifetime of bad eating habits.

Anyways, I feel like I am at the end of my struggle. I feel as though I have hit rock bottom. Most people would look at me and think I am just a little thick, which they are probably right. But when I look at myself in pictures or in the mirror I get sick to my stomach. The person I am looking at is not me, but myself in a fat suit. It is so utterly disturbing. Anyways, I have been making some drastic lifestyle changes and I am hoping they produce an end result that I am happy with and that I can continue with the rest of my life. I'll make sure to keep you guys posted on this front.