The Hardest Part of Letting Go

Whether it be a friend, loved one, whoever, the hardest part is letting go. Saying goodbye, walking away, trying to keep them out of your memories.

I've had a lot of issues with death, but for once, this is not it. I've had friends that have come and gone A LOT over the last ten years or so. Some I knew they would only be short time friends, convenient for the time being, nice casual encounters and help with studies, etc. Others, I knew within the moment we met that we'd be friends for a lifetime. I had been, until recently, correct thus far about those connections. I have a very tight circle of friends that I know I can count on no matter what. So when one of those friends I thought would be with me until the end, completely dropped off of the face of the earth, it threw me for a loop. The worst part, he is a guy. I fight myself from the very beginning saying "just let him go, he obviously doesn't want to be your friend if he can disappear so easily without a word" but then, after some time, it starts to bother me. I think back on the things I had recently did and said, to think of ANYTHING that I could have done to insult him. Anything I could have done to hurt his feelings. For the life of me I cannot think of anything. So what do I do? I stupidly send him a facebook message. The dumbest thing you can do when someone is very obviously avoiding you. I wish there was an unsend button on that thing to allow me to maintain some of my dignity and make me not seem like one of those stalker girls.

I need to learn how to not wear my heart on my sleeve and not be so eager to have people always want to like me and accept me. It is not possible to get along and be friends with EVERYONE, so when someone is going out of their way to avoid me, I need to let it go.

I was just curious if any of my followers had ever been in a situation like that and if so, how did you handle it? Hopefully not as silly as I did!

My Dirty Little Secret

I'm sure to much of your dismay, this entry is NOT about an extramarital affair, but in fact, about my current battle with depression.

I never really understood depression until the past few years. Despite trying my hardest to push away the sadness and loneliness and keep a smile on my face and song in my voice to fool others, it eventually took over, like it does anyone with this disorder. I pushed away some of those who cared deeply for me, while letting in some that wanted nothing but harm to befall me. I burned bridges with friends while finding refuge in places I shouldn't have.

People try to relate their depression to a specific cause. For me, I know what my depression stems from, but it is certainly not the sole cause. I watched my papa die slowly everyday over a two month period, very slowly and very painfully. It broke my heart every morning I woke up and realized he was still in the hospital. My heart broke more and more as I watched my mother giving care for her father, but knowing no matter how hard she tried, and how hard she prayed, the ultimate ending was death.

I spend a lot of time playing the "what if" game with myself regarding the days leading up to his initial hospitalization. I can tell you, as everyone in the world I'm sure could tell you, this is the most UNhealthy game you could ever play. I've had vivid dreams with my papa telling me secrets, telling me not to worry, sometimes reprimanding me for being said, and sometimes, in the best but eventually worst dreams, papa telling me he was really alive and just in hiding for a while. The worst feeling has to be when I jump awake and realize that he is not really back, nor will he ever be.

I've shut myself off from a lot of things I used to enjoy as well as stopped socializing with a lot of good people. I realize it is unhealthy but I don't know if I care enough to change it. I've had an even harder struggle with weight control and sometimes feel that my only solution would to become bulimic or anorexic.

I guess I feel as though writing about it will allow me to get my true feelings out and start to work on getting myself healthy and normal again. Only time will tell I guess.