Normally I can push away the daydreaming and "what ifs". I realize that it is neither helpful nor constructive. Today is one of those days that I've finally let it take over and ruin the day. I realize that I have wasted pretty much my entire life. Things went downhill my after senior year of high school, starting with a bad car accident and never regaining control of my life afterwards. I shit away a scholarship and books that were paid for, I skipped classes instead of going. Some because they were boring and didn't challenge me, and others because I was too worried about what else was happening in the world to care. I had great potential in my engineering courses, the professors acknowledging and complimenting me frequently. Instead of taking the plunge and throwing myself all in, I ran. I told myself I wasn't smart enough to do it, tucked tail and ran like hell. Here I am, seven years later. Yes, disgusting, I know. Seven years of doing pretty much nothing with my life. I dropped out of college, had to pay back quite a few thousand dollars for the education that meant nothing since I didn't finish it. I work in the legal field, a field I'm good in but absolutely cannot stand. I've been scarred from trusting most people, especially attorneys, and that affects me on a daily basis, more than I could ever admit.
I had set out to blog about this hoping it would help release some of my anxiety and anger with myself. It didn't really.