The Life That Passed Me By

Normally I can push away the daydreaming and "what ifs". I realize that it is neither helpful nor constructive. Today is one of those days that I've finally let it take over and ruin the day. I realize that I have wasted pretty much my entire life. Things went downhill my after senior year of high school, starting with a bad car accident and never regaining control of my life afterwards. I shit away a scholarship and books that were paid for, I skipped classes instead of going. Some because they were boring and didn't challenge me, and others because I was too worried about what else was happening in the world to care. I had great potential in my engineering courses, the professors acknowledging and complimenting me frequently. Instead of taking the plunge and throwing myself all in, I ran. I told myself I wasn't smart enough to do it, tucked tail and ran like hell. Here I am, seven years later. Yes, disgusting, I know. Seven years of doing pretty much nothing with my life. I dropped out of college, had to pay back quite a few thousand dollars for the education that meant nothing since I didn't finish it. I work in the legal field, a field I'm good in but absolutely cannot stand. I've been scarred from trusting most people, especially attorneys, and that affects me on a daily basis, more than I could ever admit.

I had set out to blog about this hoping it would help release some of my anxiety and anger with myself. It didn't really.

Back from the Dead

That is about the only way I can sum it up. My world turned into a madhouse after my last post and, unfortunately, this was the easiest/most logical thing to cut from my schedule. Things have seemed to calm down a little bit so I feel like maybe I should give this another try. Also, I feel a lot better after I blog.

Let's see, first thing is first. I have managed to drop thirty pounds since I've started my quest for dropping the pounds. It is still not everything I want to lose but I already feel amazing and am able to wear between small and medium clothes in juniors, so ...yea, excitement! Pic below :)

I have managed to cross a couple things off of my bucket list. I was actually able to attend TWO Yankees games this season. Now, I know they don't really count since I saw them while they were playing in Texas, but I am pretty content for now to semi-check it off of my list.

I finally feel comfortable here, like it is my home. I have met some pretty amazing people and have formed some long lasting friendships. Everything finally seems to be going right, everything back on track && I'm ready to rock out.

Anyways, I'm going to try to start blogging daily [hey, no snickers here, you know I do my best ;)].....okay maybe I should stick with weekly first and see where to go from there. You guys have a lot of catching up to do :)

Happy Homeowners!

Well, hello there loyal followers!! Sorry for the length in absence. I have been insanely busy with work, and of course, closing on our new house! Yes, we FINALLY closed on our house. I was/am so proud of myself for being able to figure it out and make it happen! I actually had to have the title company fix something because I caught a mistake in their numbers, pretty swift huh?! Anyways, regardless of all of the stress and time put into the process, it was SO worth it. We are happy homeowners!

So the craziness begins. We have quite a bit of time between when we need to move out of our rental so I decided we should have fresh paint on every wall on the inside and possibly put in new flooring in a couple of the rooms. I was lucky enough to inherit some of the beautiful flowers to the original owners left behind. I think I'm going to post before AND after pictures on my blog and also get some tips/suggestions. It is times like these I wish my Papa were still alive so that he could add his special touches with the carpentry inside our home.

Everything seems like it is falling into place. Hubby seems to be getting into the new house, even coming on excersions to Home Depot, Lowes, etc. to help with paint samples/floor samples. He even suggested a trip to IKEA this weekend before/after the Rangers baseball game to help inspire me. Sometimes I swear I must have been a saint in my past life to deserve him.

Anywho, there are a lot of things I want to catch you guys up on in regards to the latest happenings in my life/news/politics...so I'm hoping to do that sometime today.

Self Renewal

Every now and then, we need to give ourself permission to breakdown. We have to let it all out and release the negativity/toxicity that has been eating us alive. We have to push it out until we have nothing left.

Last week was that week for me. I had let everything build up so much that I was at my breaking point. Stupid, small, tiny little problems built up until they were as large as....well something very large haha. I don't want to dwell on it much, because to be honest, I let it all out, it feels great and I'm ready to begin again.

I have been so fortunate to be blessed with a husband who has put up with me and all of my craziness. There were so many times that he should have run for the hills. There were so many times that I TRIED to push him away (not consciously but looking back, I definitely did quite a few times) but he never left my side.

Anyways, the whole point of this blog is to let you guys know, it is okay to let your guard down. Don't live your whole life trying to put on a front of happiness. If you are sad, say you are sad. It seems to help you get over that sadness twice as quickly. If you are happy, share that happiness with everyone. In the long run, I'm sure it will add some years onto your life. && make you a hell of a lot easier to be around :)

I had an amazing weekend full with friends and, of course, my hubby. Yesterday we attended our Easter party at our friends, which we do EVERY year. We have been lucky to be moved around with them and have know them for about five years (very rare for a military family to be together that long). Anyways, hubby and I took home the gold in the Egg Toss and Three-legged race. Yea, we pretty much rock! All in all it was a great weekend and I'm hoping this week will continue the pattern.

Happy Monday ya'll!!

Life...or something of the sort

Okay, so first of all, this is what I'm looking like today. I'm pretty sure I could pass for a ghost and if not, at least a vampire? Not sure what is going on but it seems like I've lost what little pigment I had before.

I haven't ate or had an appetite since my nightmares. I tried to force an apple down this morning so I wouldn't get sick, but I couldn't stomach it. I shouldn't complain since I am trying to lose weight BUT I know it is really unhealthy not to eat.

Anywho, I have had the most hectic schedule lately and I believe it is beginning to take a toll on me. I wish I had more time to spend with my friends and family but I just don't. But don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the time that I do have to spend with friends. I feel horrible when I have to reply to a text and tell my friends I just can't make an event or a party due to my schedule. I've always been a people pleasure and super social person, so I don't like saying no.

Hmmm, there is so much more I wanted to blog about today but it has all slipped my mind. I think the lack of sleep and food is getting to me. Maybe I'll curl up with puppy tonight and hope he can keep away the nightmares.

The Color of Love

Okay, so maybe not the color of love for everyone, but I'm sure as heck loving this color right now!! My people over at Sephora never steer me wrong! The only thing I can complain about with this is it is definitely a "Top Coat necessary" color! (I've gotten spoiled with the quick-dry all in one colors!).

Anyways, I figured I would post and share my new color with you guys and to give a little scoop about what is going on in the big D lately.

The NBA All Stars event is this weekend. What does that mean you ask? Well I was alerted yesterday that they are expecting an additional 25,000 vehicles in the general downtown Dallas area, and an estimate of an additional 300,000-400,000 people in the area. YIKES!! And to think, I was excited to be out of New Orleans and away from the Mardi Gras craziness, but only to substitute it with another craziness!!

It is expected to snow again tomorrow. It seems as though it has been the coldest winter they have had for a while. Go figure I would pick this winter to be here! ha! I don't mind though, I do enjoy the cold weather (does wonders for the hair) and I LOVE snow, as does hubby and puppy dog.

I've accomplished one of the numbers on my list (will do a post specifically about that). I feel like I'm starting to finally make headway with things in my life. We recently decided to move into an apartment (I know crazy right!). But we are SO close to having everything paid off that saving an additional $200 a month will put us ahead of schedule! Not to mention, not having to deal with the stress of maintenance and lawn upkeep. There are also a few pools in the gated community along with a phenomenal 24 hour fitness center which is all inclusive (what?! no more monthly gym payments either! rack up another $6o!). I cannot be more excited about this adventure to unfold!

People Watching

I have always had a bad habit of people watching. I know I'm not the only one, but still I know it isn't the best hobby to have. Somehow though, I think this habit has helped me learn to watch people's movements and reactions. I can usually pick up on bad things about to happen, whether it be a fight or someone about to steal something. I can also sense when people are lying, hiding something, etc. I contribute my people reading skills mainly to my hobby of people watching, well that mixed with women's intuition.

Anyways, a relaxing day with the hubby lead us to the mall, to peruse the stores and wait for our movie to start. We made a pit stop in the food court for hubby (he has the bladder of a hummingbird!) so I took a seat at a table on the edge of the food court to optimize my view of the coming and going people.

Nothing unusual or exciting. I begin to get bored, when I see a couple come in the door. Not your typical couple. An elderly couple, each in motorized wheelchairs. The man following behind the woman, both looking unhappy, albeit grumpy. I know I should not stare, in any case, but especially in this situation, they have been around this earth a long time and the last thing they should have to deal with is a gawker. But I can't bring myself to look away. They remind me of my grandparents. My grandmother almost always unhappy (though I do love her to bits and pieces) and my Papa always joking and whistling, but always unhappy looking when around my grandmother. I watch as the woman stops short to look at the mall map and just as soon as she stops, the old man runs into the back of her chair. She barely budged, but felt the need to turn around and give the old man a dirty look. He looks away, almost like a little child in trouble, and the elderly woman shook her head and scowled. At that moment I wanted to walk over and hug the old man. He looked very similar to my papa.

She finishes viewing the map and whips her chair around to "talk" to her spouse. They both look very angry and you can tell she was saying something nasty to him. At this point the hands go up and you can see that they are very clearly arguing. The woman whips her chair around and takes off into the mall. The man left there for a minute, only to begin following after her.

I know this probably sounds boring and uninteresting to some of you, but this is a picture I cannot get out of my head. I watched in sadness and couldn't stop the tears from falling. I would be willing to bet my grandparents had many moments like this, but were they necessary? If she could go back in time, would she be nicer? I would like to say yes, but I'm not sure.

Either way, it took all the power I had in me not to walk over and hug the stranger, and just pretend it was my papa. I miss him so much. I think it was a sign from him to be thankful for every moment I have with my loved ones.

Hubby came back to the table only to find me in tears. After giving me a glance over and seeing that I hadn't been mugged, he sat quietly and asked what was wrong. He probably thinks I'm a loon at this point that needs to be committed. And all I needed to say was I saw someone that reminded me of my papa, and he understood. He hugged me tighter than ever before, almost as if he knew what I was thinking.

I hope everyone reading this takes a minute after and thanks God (or whoever you may believe in) for the giving you the people you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted. Never leave your loved ones with harsh words, you never know when you will see them again.

The Key to Happiness

As I have been reminded, it seems more and more lately during the Christmas season, cherish every moment. I always kept that thought at the back of my mind, but don't think I ever fully appreciated the power of such a simple yet life changing statement.

I was finally able to land a job in Texas after it seems like I had given up. I had given up on my marriage, my family and essentially my life. I didn't want to try anymore. And it seems as if by the power of God (well not seems, it was totally God), I was given a second chance. I was able to land an awesome job in the city that pays pretty well, the people are fantastic and I was given a second chance to make everything work with hubby. Even still at that moment, I was appreciated everything but don't think that I fully CHERISHED everything in my life.

For some reason, it all became clear to me yesterday, out of no where. Wow, this is my life. This isn't something I'm watching on tv or from someone else's perspective. I have a wonderful husband who has, for reasons unknown to me, decided to stand by me and all of my craziness in my life. I have a wonderful family that, even though they drive me absolutely insane sometimes, are the biggest part of my life. I have wonderful co-workers that make my day go by so much quicker, even if it just having a good conversation over our home-brought lunches in the conference room. And, finally, our new friends that we have made. I've always been able to make friends pretty quickly, but it is once in a blue moon that I am able to find people that I am able to be completely myself around and that I totally click with. I have found that here and I'm so grateful for that. I'm not scared to stay alone anymore when hubby goes out of town every now and then because we live in a safe neighborhood (okay minus the creepy ghosts/or whatever that are living in this house).

So yea, I have A LOT to be grateful for and I'm kicking myself for not waking up sooner and realizing this and being appreciative.

Happy Monday!

Good morning my fellow bloggers!! I hope you had a great weekend! Mine wasn't anything to brag about but certainly a weekend! I was busy/booked most of the weekend so I didn't quite get to open up all of the windows and clean/organize, but I got the house spotless pretty much within a few hours last night.

Anywho, I'm starting this new thing. I don't want to call it a diet, simply because diets never last. I'm looking at it as more of a mental and body cleanse. I'm basically only eating fruits and veggies & only when I am hungry. I drink large quantities of water & for the most part don't feel hungry at all hardly. SO with that being said, I'll make sure to keep you guys posted on how it goes & share my hints & tips if any of you want to try it out!

I have MUCH to blog about but not much time right now. Work is picking up which is GREAT! I've been given so much responsibility and faith by my boss that I feel fantastic!! o, and the major pay increase doesn't hurt either! (what?! I'd be lying if I didn't say it!) Anywho, the BIGGEST thing going on right now in my personal life is halloween costume shopping. I'm trying to find a balance between cute & sexy. We are going to different parties this year, some adult and some kid friendly, so I'm trying to walk that line. So far, all of the costumes I like are a little risky..but I may just go with those & wear a cape or something over it for the kid friendly one? I don't know.

Okay, off to work. But not before I leave you with a song/video, per my norm!! This one is a little freaky/freaky...but I like it. It doesn't hurt that I think she is a beautiful girl either! Not to mention that are coming here, along with MANY MANY other great artists next Friday & I will be in attendance with back stage passes. w00t! anyways, enjoy!!!

True Appreciation

I have come to realize the feeling of true appreciation. Not only the true appreciation of someone else, but when someone has honest and true appreciation of you and everything that you do.

I have always been the one to say thank you. I was taught it was rude to do anything otherwise. I remember being at a restaurant when I was about 18 or 19. It was just me and my sister and the waitress wasn't the best ever, but she was trying. That's all I ask for. She brought my sister a refill and my sister didn't say anything. I said "thank you" for her and the waitress walked away. I asked her "you don't say thank you?" She replied "it's her job." I let that thought sink in. It is somewhat ironic coming from my sister, since she was, in fact, a waitress herself. Had it been that she expected no thank you from her patrons or did she simply think that a job of that caliber was not worth being appreciative about?

Either way, as silly and pointless as that memory is, it still sticks with me. Everyone deserves a thank you every now and then. Whether it be for doing a small job, bringing a prompt refill, or all the way up to doing something on a larger scale, donating time or money to a charity, every kind act should be appreciated.

I have lost my way many times, quite a few times lately to be honest, and every time the same thing brings me back where I need to be. Remembering to be thankful, grateful and appreciative of every last minute I have been given. There were many times I thought I would not live. Car accidents, heart conditions, etc., etc. Every time I make it out okay and promise to myself to say please and thank you and make my appreciation known to anyone who has an impact on my life.

A recent discovery I have made with my current job, I am truly appreciated. My previous job ((I can honestly say was my worst job I've ever had and know for a fact that it always will be)) filled my head with random falsified appreciation, but never a true "thanks" for all the hard work I put in. There was much I did to go above and beyond what I was expected to do. I never asked for an extra penny, but a thanks or acknowledgment would have been nice. I continued until my very last day there, knowing I would never get that appreciation, but in my mind, I couldn't give up, I wouldn't be me if I didn't keep giving 110%.

I still think that is why I was blessed with my current job. All my hard work paid off and I was given co-workers and a boss that truly understand that I am in 110%. It has made me more verbal about my appreciation for others and I have noticed that it has made a difference in the people around me.

Anyways, I guess the whole point of this post is, in the darkest time that I was going through (the worst time of my life), I stuck to giving thanks and praise and it lead me through the dark and into the brightest part of my life and towards the most amazing people I've ever met in my life!

Currently....

I have been pushing myself past my normal limits. I am managing to get a lot of stuff accomplished though, which is great. I have been going through boxes that have been in the garage and unopened in about a year. What I am doing is basically throwing things away, giving to good will or organizing and labeling boxes. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but I have to get back to myself again and the clutter is number one on that priority list. I used to be the most organized person in the world. I am still, for the most part, a very organized at work and when it comes to other people, but I have let myself fall to shambles. I sent in payment for a ticket on Tuesday, when the hearing was on Wednesday. I probably currently have a warrant out for my arrest. Things like this bother me, as they should. I can manage to take care of everyone else on time, but not myself? what the heck?!

anyways, I went through a few huge plastic containers and managed to downsize about 8 boxes to 2 1/2. I have endless amounts of bags full of stuff to drop off at the good will tonight. who knows how much more. I've decided I don't need to hang on to everything from my past. It makes for a cluttered house (or garage in this case) and a cluttered mind at the end of the day

Okay, now onto more interesting things. I'm still trying to decide what to do this weekend. I contemplated ice skating, but as sore as I have been, I'm not sure if that would be the best idea ever. There are a lot of movies I want to see, but I feel like I waste time just sitting there for a couple hours watching a movie. The Rangers are on the road this weekend, so a ballgame is out of the picture. Not too sure what to do actually.

I thought I had something interesting to write about, but it turns out I don't.

Maybe I'll write a little later about my gardening disaster.....

So far....

So far it has been okay....

I try not to stop and think about everything too much though. I literally picked up my entire life, almost as if overnight, and moved a few hundred miles away from my home. My home, my family, my friends, my entire life.

I would be lying if I said I was not still scared to death of what is going to happen with me, my life, my future. I was able to obtain great employment. I have a chance to expand my experience not only on a professional level but in my personal life as well. I am doing things I never thought I was capable of doing or handling on my own. Everyday that goes by at work, I feel as though I am accomplishing something. Something bigger than myself.

I would also be lying if I said I missed home. I do in parts. I mainly miss my friends and family, but other than that, I would never return to that godforsaken city ever again. I had a taste of this place not to long ago. Maybe I knew in the back of my mind I was not here to stay for good then? I'm still not too sure. Either way, I never really got comfortable here when I came, it seems, so long ago. Now, as if effortless, I sank into this city & let it overtake me. I am used to things closing early (bars mostly), I have learned when and where to obtain my hard liquor, what areas to avoid (way easier than remembering the ones back home- considering they outnumber the better areas back home), what areas have the best of the best, food, entertainment, etc. I feel like I have completely submersed myself in this city, never to return home again.

Quite weird.

Anywho, I convinced Robert, & it took quite an effort on my end, to take a ride into Dallas with me on Saturday morning to see the tunnels. I had to prove to him I was not hallucinating. There are tunnels that run beneath the whole city that are lined with endless food courts, shops and boutiques. To me, coming from a place that can't even have basements in the homes, that was amazing. Well, perhaps I should have inquired the days and times the tunnels were opened, because once we arrived, much to my dismay, the tunnels were closed. No proving my point now, I guess.

My trips to The Container Store was less interesting as I thought it would be. I guess I still have too much to tend to at the house before I can take any joy in my selfish pleasure. Although, my enjoyment did last a little throughout the store. A male employee passed me a few times, smiling each time. After the fourth time of passing by he asked "Still having fun?" God, was it that obvious that I was such a dork and was in total ecstasy over the containers surrounding me? Is it normal for anyone to be that obsessed and excited at the same time over containers and other organizational things?

Other than that, my weekend was kind of a bust.

I just finished listening to a bunch of Marines throwing stuff around and undoubtedly breaking stuff in the upstairs of my house. I should have known not much has changed in certain areas of my life. I guess somethings will never change. I have no voice, no say so in most things anymore. I guess I should get used to it.

Anyways, I figured I would update everyone and let you know I am okay. I haven't really been in a writing mood and finally got the internet card up and running again on the laptop so hopefully now my posts won't be so few and far in between.

Time to move on...

I can honestly say, the past two years or so of my life have been a complete roller coaster. All beginning with one of my best friends (even though we didn't know each other long at all) moving across the world to the two or so month battle I struggled right along beside my papa with. If you would have asked me three years ago where I would be, I definitely would not have guessed anywhere near this point in my life.

Some of you are probably wondering, is that good or bad? To me, it is very bad. I feel like I have wasted a lot of my youth. Don't get me wrong, I grew up TOO quick a long time ago. But, I think it is finally taking a toll on me. I thought at this point I'd be finished school and have a REAL job. I have never been so disappointment in myself as I am now.

So, that being said, I am going through a complicated and very stressful time period. I am contemplating on big changes and steps that I may or may not be taking. I hope everyone will be patient and understand the decisions I make, even if they might not be the best for them. For once, & I hate, hate, hate to say this, I have to look out for me. I let myself go a long time ago. I put my life, my feelings, my health, my thoughts, my mind, everything to the side to put everything else first, it's time to find me again. I've been lost too long & I think if I go much longer, I'll never be found.

Finding Jesus..

Well at least, finding him again..


Lately I've realized how much I turned by back on God. Okay, so I admit, I did notice I had turned away from him for a long while now. It was only made worse when my papa passed away last year. I don't know why, but I feel like it's time to turn back. Now, don't worry, I'm not going all crazy holy roller on you guys. I just feel like I've become a different person, a mean, hateful, just yucky person, & I think SOME of that has to do with me turning away from God. This is all being done on my road to become a better person & hopefully get back to the old Devin.


All I can ask is that you pray for me. For those who don't pray, do whatever it is that you do. I feel at this point, my life literally depends on my success.


"O merciful God, fill our hearts, we pray, with the graces of your Holy Spirit; with love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self-control. Teach us to love those who hate us; to pray for those who despitefully use us; that we may be the children of your love, our Father, who makes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. In adversity grant us grace to be patient; in prosperity keep us humble; may we guard the door of our lips; may we lightly esteem the pleasures of this world, and thirst after heavenly things; through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Prayer of Anselm, 1033-1109)

My Tuesday Roller Coaster

Tuesday, yes, as in yesterday, was a bit of a roller coaster day for me. I got some terrific news that my friend, Aimie, also Amelia's mom, was expecting her second child. I was overwhelmed with happiness for her and Bryan. It made me a bit sad though. Robert and I originally thought we would have kids by now. Yes, I am only 23 and he is about to turn 24, but it was something we had "all figured out." Then life happened. I'll spare everyone the boring details, but in the past 6 years of us being together, we have been actually together, physically, for only about two of those years. No complaining here though, all it gets me is the usual "well, you knew what you were getting into when you married into the military." Like it is a punishment. I'll take full responsibility, I was very well aware of what I was getting myself into.

So, okay, no more rambling. As if that GREAT news didn't turn my heart to mush, I got more news, this time though, the bad kind. I really don't think I can handle telling everyone right now. Mainly because when I do, it will become all to real, and I'm really not ready for that right now. So, if I start acting weird, okay weirder than normal people, just bear with me!

& with that crazy enigma I leave you with this....