The Whirlwind That Is My Life

    That is the most simple way to sum up my life for the past, it feels like, five or so years.  I feel like I am constantly on the go, with no end or break in sight.  It seems like it all started when my Papa died.  I won't say pass away because that give the impression of it being a peaceful event.  His death was anything but that.  Since that time, it seems like things have been non-stop.  I have lost count how many times I had moved and I was back and forth between Texas and Louisiana for the past few years.  I did manage to work at a job in Dallas that I actually loved, for the most part.  Though the drive and people drove me crazy sometimes, I absolutely loved the position I was given.  I felt like I made a difference, I loved what I was doing, and I was appreciated.  

    After I felt like I was settled in and loving life, we received orders and were back to the shit hole I call New Orleans.  Now, before any of you start criticizing me,  let me explain something.  First of all, if you have ever visited as a tourist, it is not the same as having to live here on a daily basis.  Secondly, being born and raised, I have watched this city go from great, with a slight time at mediocre and then straight to hell.  Everyone likes to blame Hurricane Katrina, but those of us who were in the city prior to the hurricane with our eyes truly open to our surroundings knew it was going to shit well before that time, the hurricane just expedited the process.  Anyways, now that I've gone completely off topic, I was happy and disappointed at the same time.  My family was here as well as some of my friends.  On the other hand, I finally found a place where I felt like I belonged and I had to uproot and move once again.  It was heartbreaking and stressful, but I did it, because as a Marine wife, that is what you have to do.  You make friends, you build bonds and as soon as you feel like you have some life normalcy and stability, it is ripped from your grasp.

      I had several interviews before the planned move, followed by a few great job offers.  Being my typical self and not liking the unknown, I took a position that I had already been in and thought I would be comfortable with.  Well, suffice it to say, there is a reason they have that saying "some risks are worth taking."  I should have taken the leap and ventured out into the unknown, but instead I went with the "safe" option.  As I'm sure many of you can tell by now, that was a huge disaster.  I won't go into detail as to why it was a huge mistake, but since the time of taking that offer, I've gained the weight back that I lost when I had a healthy job that I was happy at, I picked up smoking (which is absolutely disgusting for a girl in my opinion) and have become basically a downright unhappy, disgusting, miserable person.  

       Thanks to the suggestion of a friend, I checked out a position that sounded too good to be true.  I applied, was called for a phone interview and then met with the hiring managers in person.  It was a quick process and was surprised to hear back just the day after my interview with a job offer.  I took it without hesitation.  So much for not jumping blindly into the unknown!!  

The Life That Passed Me By

Normally I can push away the daydreaming and "what ifs". I realize that it is neither helpful nor constructive. Today is one of those days that I've finally let it take over and ruin the day. I realize that I have wasted pretty much my entire life. Things went downhill my after senior year of high school, starting with a bad car accident and never regaining control of my life afterwards. I shit away a scholarship and books that were paid for, I skipped classes instead of going. Some because they were boring and didn't challenge me, and others because I was too worried about what else was happening in the world to care. I had great potential in my engineering courses, the professors acknowledging and complimenting me frequently. Instead of taking the plunge and throwing myself all in, I ran. I told myself I wasn't smart enough to do it, tucked tail and ran like hell. Here I am, seven years later. Yes, disgusting, I know. Seven years of doing pretty much nothing with my life. I dropped out of college, had to pay back quite a few thousand dollars for the education that meant nothing since I didn't finish it. I work in the legal field, a field I'm good in but absolutely cannot stand. I've been scarred from trusting most people, especially attorneys, and that affects me on a daily basis, more than I could ever admit.

I had set out to blog about this hoping it would help release some of my anxiety and anger with myself. It didn't really.

Disappointment

That is about the only word that can sum up the feeling I have toward myself. I swore that when I moved back to New Orleans, I would keep up with the healthy lifestyle, diet, cooking, exercise, etc. I have been back since June and I've done a piss poor job of all of the above. I probably would have went a little while longer before noticing had it not been for Christmas. Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets together to shove their faces, my family is no different. In between amazing lunches and dinners I noticed my weight gain. All of my clothes that used to be loose on me are now tight and looking like they would explode within any second. I could not be more disappointed and disgusted with myself. I worked so hard to drop the weight that I did and had such a clear goal in mind of how much more I wanted to lose. At some point it stopped being about a number and started being about becoming healthy for myself, no one else's opinion mattered to me anymore. Now, I have blown all of that away within less than a year.

I'm forcing myself to get back on track. I'm trying a little more radical methods than before to get the ball rolling again and hopefully after the pounds start coming off again, I'll be able to stick with it. I'll make sure to keep you guys posted on any good recipes I find, fun outings or cool new exercises I may discover.

Personal accountability

Let's be honest, I keep posting on here and talking about how I am going to do this and how I'm going to do that. WELL, I haven't done any of what I have promised. SO I have decided that I am going to start using this blog as a way to hold myself personally accountable for the self-promises I make, pretty much on a daily basis. Here are some promises I've made to myself and haven't lived up to thus far:

Finishing college, going to a fashion show and eventually making it to a fashion week (I'd settle for New York), making sure I am presentable every time I leave the house (hair fixed, no wrinkled clothes, etc.), dieting and exercising correctly, but most important of all BLOGGING!!

NOW, hopefully that I have put it all out there, I will keep myself on task and start sharing some of the craziness with my followers :)

The Hardest Part of Letting Go

Whether it be a friend, loved one, whoever, the hardest part is letting go. Saying goodbye, walking away, trying to keep them out of your memories.

I've had a lot of issues with death, but for once, this is not it. I've had friends that have come and gone A LOT over the last ten years or so. Some I knew they would only be short time friends, convenient for the time being, nice casual encounters and help with studies, etc. Others, I knew within the moment we met that we'd be friends for a lifetime. I had been, until recently, correct thus far about those connections. I have a very tight circle of friends that I know I can count on no matter what. So when one of those friends I thought would be with me until the end, completely dropped off of the face of the earth, it threw me for a loop. The worst part, he is a guy. I fight myself from the very beginning saying "just let him go, he obviously doesn't want to be your friend if he can disappear so easily without a word" but then, after some time, it starts to bother me. I think back on the things I had recently did and said, to think of ANYTHING that I could have done to insult him. Anything I could have done to hurt his feelings. For the life of me I cannot think of anything. So what do I do? I stupidly send him a facebook message. The dumbest thing you can do when someone is very obviously avoiding you. I wish there was an unsend button on that thing to allow me to maintain some of my dignity and make me not seem like one of those stalker girls.

I need to learn how to not wear my heart on my sleeve and not be so eager to have people always want to like me and accept me. It is not possible to get along and be friends with EVERYONE, so when someone is going out of their way to avoid me, I need to let it go.

I was just curious if any of my followers had ever been in a situation like that and if so, how did you handle it? Hopefully not as silly as I did!

My Dirty Little Secret

I'm sure to much of your dismay, this entry is NOT about an extramarital affair, but in fact, about my current battle with depression.

I never really understood depression until the past few years. Despite trying my hardest to push away the sadness and loneliness and keep a smile on my face and song in my voice to fool others, it eventually took over, like it does anyone with this disorder. I pushed away some of those who cared deeply for me, while letting in some that wanted nothing but harm to befall me. I burned bridges with friends while finding refuge in places I shouldn't have.

People try to relate their depression to a specific cause. For me, I know what my depression stems from, but it is certainly not the sole cause. I watched my papa die slowly everyday over a two month period, very slowly and very painfully. It broke my heart every morning I woke up and realized he was still in the hospital. My heart broke more and more as I watched my mother giving care for her father, but knowing no matter how hard she tried, and how hard she prayed, the ultimate ending was death.

I spend a lot of time playing the "what if" game with myself regarding the days leading up to his initial hospitalization. I can tell you, as everyone in the world I'm sure could tell you, this is the most UNhealthy game you could ever play. I've had vivid dreams with my papa telling me secrets, telling me not to worry, sometimes reprimanding me for being said, and sometimes, in the best but eventually worst dreams, papa telling me he was really alive and just in hiding for a while. The worst feeling has to be when I jump awake and realize that he is not really back, nor will he ever be.

I've shut myself off from a lot of things I used to enjoy as well as stopped socializing with a lot of good people. I realize it is unhealthy but I don't know if I care enough to change it. I've had an even harder struggle with weight control and sometimes feel that my only solution would to become bulimic or anorexic.

I guess I feel as though writing about it will allow me to get my true feelings out and start to work on getting myself healthy and normal again. Only time will tell I guess.

Anything But Ordinary

As many of you loyal followers have noticed, I did not keep good on my word of keeping my blog updated. I would love to fill your eyes with excuses, but I won't because well, that's just lame!

I'm hoping to revamp my blog in order to personify me a little better as the person I am today. It feels like I have gone through so much and changed as a person over the past year or so, and I'd love to have my blog reflect that and a place to showcase my personality.

If I have learned/realized anything recently it would be that I am one amazing person. Now, before you go all "o God what an egotistical bitch," let me explain a bit. I have accomplished so much for myself in the 25 years that I have been alive. I have a home, I have a car, I have loving friends and family. What I have recently come to realize is that I have a very valuable set of skills in the work field.

My husband was transferred by the Marine Corps to New Orleans, uprooting me once again, throwing me into the spiraling downfall of a job search. To say I was sick to my stomach would be an understatement. I am happy in the position I am in currently. I had been in the legal field for a few years then, by the grace of God I suppose, I was given the opportunity to take the position I am in today. Originating as an admin position, focusing mainly on pay roll, and at this point, has lead up to a more Office Manager/HR position. I would have never given myself this much credit to be able to take on such a huge position, but I'm glad my company found faith in me when I did not.

The job search began on a Wednesday evening. I reached out to a single legal recruiter that I had heard great things about and by the next week I had a total of seven interviews scheduled. In addition to those interviews, I had scored one of my own, with a previous employer who I LOVED working for. Long story short, I went through with all of the interviews (the most nerve wracking experience I've ever had in my life), and have ultimately decided to return to my previous employer. Now, loyal followers/friends, don't panic. It is NOT the previous employer right before my current position. I would never put myself in that position again. (Reminder to self: maybe I SHOULD have filed a sexual harassment suit?! balls up lady!) Anyways, I'm very excited to be working for him again as he is one of the very few attorneys that I feel has his morals and ethics intact.

That being said, I have been in the midst of packing up my house and moving us, yet again, 500 miles to the Big Easy. I am full of a million emotions right now and wish I could express to you how I feel. I figured this is the best way.

Anyways, I will be leaving you with those thoughts for now. Also, I'll be randomly revamping my layout/styles in order to give myself a break from the chaos as well as to help my blogger reflect me. I'm also hoping to do more posts on fashion (which I'm absolutely obsessed with), cooking and most of all, weight loss! I hope I have kept most of you will me during the my lull and I'm hoping to make new followers as my blog progresses.

Until then, ciao!