I've been away from my comfort zone for a couple of weeks now. I've had time to take everything in and a chance to analyze everything in my past and present.

I realize now that I wasted entirely too much time in the past. First, I invested more than a reasonable amount on time in people. People I shouldn't have. People who I considered friends, people who told me they were my friend, would be there through everything. I, as my mom says, am a sucker. I believed them & took them at their word. Excuse after excuse was made for them. Maybe they are just busy? Maybe they are in the middle of something? Maybe they will just call me back. Meanwhile, I let some REALLY great friends fall to the waste side, while sitting around waiting for people who fully never had the intention of being there for me to come around.

Second, I wasted too much time being miserable. The job I was at, well we won't get into that...at all...but nonetheless, I was VERY unhappy due to MANY different things. Anyways, I wasted so much time in a place and career that made me miserable, instead of pursuing something more fulfilling. I, unlike many of those that were around me, am young. There is no reason I should be stuck some place like that, in that position, with that pay. No, it was time for me to move on. I was so much better, I expected more of myself, I knew I could do better for myself.

Next, when I first attempted college, my mind was all over the place. I stupidly let my mind follow a boy and worry about him and his future instead of focusing on my own. No pushing the blame here though, the blame is all mine. I should have stayed focused, finished acing my engineering classes and I could have been rolling in money right now. Nevertheless, I obviously did not and am dealing with the consequences from that poor decision.
Anyways, long story short, I'm moving to make big changes in my life. I think jumping into Dallas head first was the right push to give myself. I have no safety net, I'm completely on my own now. I have to survive. In order to survive, I have to push myself, which I have never managed to do successfully before.

It is a scary world out here. More recently "good" friends of mine have completely dropped off the face of the earth. I am sorry for that I guess. Their loss I tell myself. But I cannot chase anyone anymore. For once in my life, I need to look out for myself and what is best for me and my future.

That being said, sorry if I've been a ghost lately, I've just been finding myself for a while. I think I've finally managed to do that though. We will see.


star said...

so youre starting classes & doing engineering again?! or have you chosen something else?

ps- there was a lot more i wanted to comment but that is a very long entry and ive already forgotten what wanted to say. lol. its late, pardon my lack of focus.

It was a beautiful letdown, when I crashed & burned... said...

yes, I got accepted to the college over here. I'm only able to do full time online courses though due to my job. We will see where that goes. no, engineering still bores the shit out of me even though it seems that is what I was best at. I'm probably going to get a general studies degree and move on to my master's from there. still trying to narrow it down between a few choices...